How to be a good Ngāi Tahu

Pakiaka - the lean, essential debut volume by Gabrielle Huria | $25 

HOW TO BE A GOOD NGĀI TAHU
Nā Gabrielle Huria

Eat everything
with eyes.

Eat eels.

Eat eels without eyes.

Have a good knife.

Know how to work
the drains.

Know how to salt
and roll eels.

Know your kai,
how to get it,
where to get it,
how to work it,
how to store it
and how to cook it.

Have a freezer packed with kai.
Have more kai than you need just in case a relation calls,
in which case over-feed them with everything you’ve
gathered.

Be ready to make a big feed 24/7 – there is no such thing
as a snack.

Sausages are only for grilling or frying, never in a boil up,
that’s North Island ways.

Never put flour in your whitebait pattie.

Have a vege garden.

Swap crayfish for homekill hogget or vice versa.

Make sure your guests leave with mahinga kai for their journey home –
just in case they are starving, which if they’re Ngāi Tahu, is very unlikely.

Implicitly know the Ngāi Tahu rules of engagement that
aren’t written about in any book.
Behave according to those manners even though most
Ngāi Tahu either don’t know or have forgotten them.

Think about ‘what’s for dinner’ when you wake up.
When you’ve had dinner tell your relations what you ate.
Ask them what they ate.

Talk about kai for a while, then talk about land, who’s got it,
who sold it, who’s after it and who won’t get it.

Never sell your whānau land, or sell it if you want your
whānau to hold a grudge against you and your offspring
forever.

Never talk about how much whitebait you got except to your
closest relations who you’ll be sharing it with anyway.

When you’re whitebaiting, hide your stash from passers-by.
If they ask ‘Are the bait running’ say nah, it’s terrible even
if your chilly bin is so full you have to go home to get more
containers.

Have rights to a tītī island.

If you don’t have rights, marry someone who has.

On the island if you have rights, you have a say.

If you married into the rights, keep your mouth shut –
just do the work.

Don’t be a slacker ever anywhere, especially not on
the island.

Ngāi Tahu know how to work.

Lazy Ngāi Tahu must be half something else, probably from the north.

In Ngāi Tahu houses don’t wear your shoes inside, but always wear them
inside at the marae.

Pray before you do anything.

If you are a dark Ngāi Tahu man, you will be chased by police,
sworn at for no reason in town, followed by shop detectives
like you’re a thief and less likely to get the job. Stay stoic and
carry on.

You will also probably suffer from bouts of depression where
you insist there’s nothing wrong but don’t speak for a week.

If you’re a fair Ngāi Tahu woman, people will feel free to say
you don’t look Maaari.

The correct answer is yes, I have been sick lately.
If they stupidly persist and ask how much Maaari blood do
you have, just say ‘I’m Ngāi Tahu’ and they will say ‘oh right’,
‘yeah, the rich ones’ or ‘the good ones’ or ‘the white ones’.
That comfortably finishes the conversation line.
Those people are not your friends.

On the marae, know your whānau lane. If you cook, stay in
the kitchen.

If you sing or speak, stay out the front.

Always bring food – don’t turn up empty-handed.

Wear lots of unusual and beautiful pounamu.

Be well-dressed at all times – the definition of well-dressed
is as wide as your imagination.

Be prepared for aggression at rūnanga hui and never be a
bottom feeder, everyone knows who they are.

Help at hui. Don’t just front at the end and grab all the
leftovers – everyone notices that too.

Never speak about your identity crisis – no one is interested.